Lately, people have been asking me how far apart Hazel and the new baby will be. My response, three years. Sometimes I get bulging eyes, other times I get: “you’ll love it”, and then many have also said: “so she will be in school before they will really be able to play together.” Whatever reaction I get, I always think, but this is what’s best for me.
And this is what’s best for me. It wasn’t until January that I thought I was ready for another one. And I can’t count the number of times I thought Hazel would be an only child. My postpartum was a complete nightmare, and I didn’t handle being a new mom very well at all. What do they call them? The mommy blues? Well, I’m pretty sure I had more than just blues. The stress, the expectations, the house chores, the sleepless nights, the sleepless days -for Hazel, it all hit me really hard.
The whole being a mom thing is so hard. And you can’t really understand it until you become a mom -trust me, I thought I knew. The hormones, the feeling that your new baby’s cry is like nails on a chalkboard and you just can’t figure out how to get them to calm down. The ideals you had for yourself before your baby was born: I’ll have a schedule set by the time we leave the hospital, I’ll start sleep training as soon as we get home from the hospital, they will only eat once every three hours, and they will love to be rocked in their swing while I make dinner. I could go on and on.
It’s all somewhat Hollywood to think about. Because being a mom is not perfect.
It’s the late nights, the sleepless nights, the feedings every thirty minutes. The wondering “what have I done all day today” because sometimes it feels like you’ve just been running circles around yourself and your new baby.
It’s the not showering for a week, the not washing your hair for two weeks, and the thoughts in your head of: “I wonder how much higher my dishes can pile up in the sink.”
But, I’m bracing myself for our new adventure. I keep thinking: “wow, I’m really here again. I’m really going to have another baby and go through it all over again.” Somewhere I thought I would never be. And it’s a relief to have made it. To be here waiting for this new arrival. To be somewhat ready to take this head-on. Knowing full well that I might have the most horrible postpartum ever, but also having developed coping skills from what I’ve gone through. I think I can.
So, that’s why my kid’s age gap is better than yours. Because it’s better for me. Because I know I can be a better mom if I have my sanity. And I know I’ll have my sanity if this is how I do things.